Grotesque Anatomy
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
  Stupid Rings Critics, Part 4:
I've been searching for a way to undermine whatever critical credibility I might have, and I think I've finally hit upon it.

I did not like The Retun of the King.

Now before we get into it, there are a couple things you should know.  First and foremost, I did not do the required homework for this movie.  Yes, I did see the first two movies when they originally came out (and even enjoyed the second one, more or less), but I had not watched them since then.  Which means I probably forgot a lot of details that were important for King.  And it means that I didn't really see all of the first two films, since I never watched the extended versions.

Even more damning, I've never read the books.  I think I tried a couple times in high school, but I could just never get into the stories.  I know this is going to discredit my opinion of the movie in most people's eyes, but shouldn't the film--even if it is the third part of a trilogy--be able to stand on its own right to a certain degree?  And if we're considering how well ROTK worked as a movie, I really don't think it's germane to point out that the movie was faithful to the book.  That's like constantly citing the Bible during an argument about the existence of God with a nonbeliever.

I should also point out that this is by no means intended as a serious, considered rebuttal to the legion of glowing reviews singing the praises of this film.  It can't be; I was so bored by the film that my mind began to wander somewhere during the first hour.  So I'll probably make all kinds of mistakes in this rant--like mixing up Eowyn and Arwen and Arwyn or whoever the fuck it was--that will irritate true Tolkien fans.  I'm not claiming that I'm right and you're wrong--at least not on the details.

So what didn't I like?  What can I remember?  It's probably helpful to start with Sean Collins' list:  It might help jog my memory, and I'm sure I hated everything on it.
Anything else?  OK, since you asked:
There was probably more than annoyed me, but if I go on any longer, I run the risk of overstaying my welcome just as ROTK did.  And while it feels good to get all of this off my chest, I really don't want to become the pariah of the comics blogosphere, at least not over an overrated fantasy flick.

Say, how about that Mike San Giacomo guy and his outrageous opinions about the new Catwoman artistic team? What's up with that??? [he asked, not at all trying to change the subject or anything]
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by John Jakala

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