Stupid Rings Critics, Part 4:
I've been searching for a way to undermine whatever critical credibility I might have, and I think I've finally hit upon it.

I did not like The Retun of the King.

Now before we get into it, there are a couple things you should know.  First and foremost, I did not do the required homework for this movie.  Yes, I did see the first two movies when they originally came out (and even enjoyed the second one, more or less), but I had not watched them since then.  Which means I probably forgot a lot of details that were important for King.  And it means that I didn't really see all of the first two films, since I never watched the extended versions.

Even more damning, I've never read the books.  I think I tried a couple times in high school, but I could just never get into the stories.  I know this is going to discredit my opinion of the movie in most people's eyes, but shouldn't the film--even if it is the third part of a trilogy--be able to stand on its own right to a certain degree?  And if we're considering how well ROTK worked as a movie, I really don't think it's germane to point out that the movie was faithful to the book.  That's like constantly citing the Bible during an argument about the existence of God with a nonbeliever.

I should also point out that this is by no means intended as a serious, considered rebuttal to the legion of glowing reviews singing the praises of this film.  It can't be; I was so bored by the film that my mind began to wander somewhere during the first hour.  So I'll probably make all kinds of mistakes in this rant--like mixing up Eowyn and Arwen and Arwyn or whoever the fuck it was--that will irritate true Tolkien fans.  I'm not claiming that I'm right and you're wrong--at least not on the details.

So what didn't I like?  What can I remember?  It's probably helpful to start with Sean Collins' list:  It might help jog my memory, and I'm sure I hated everything on it.

• The charge of the Mumakil.  If I'm remembering correctly, this was the scene with the elephant thingies.  The bit with Legolas mounting the elephant was so obviously CGI I kept having flashbacks to the scene of Anakin trying to ride the space-hippo in Attack of the Clones.  Legolas surfing down the trunk of the elephant was also a bit too "Xtreme sports" for me.

• The lighting of the beacons.  Wow!  Those sentries sure are alert, lighting each beacon within seconds of the previous one being lit!  Nice to see that no one was on the john or just not paying attention after years of the beacon system going unused.

• The Smeagol & Deagol flashback.  You know what would be nice?  Some character names that were actually distinguishable for non-LOTR purists. Smeagol, Deagol, & Beagol:  It's either a really bad law firm or a new Disney comic featuring Pluto's mischievous nephews.

• Grond, the battering ram.  What purpose did the flames shooting out of its mouth serve?  It looked like a cheesy prop at a heavy metal concert.  I guess it let those being invaded know that it was TIME TO ROCK.
  

• Shelob.  This is what passes for a deadly creature in the LOTRverse?  An enormous spider that can't even kill one fat Hobbit?  I kept hoping it would do something, like, you know, maybe pounce on Samwise.  Or at least move quickly instead of lumbering around.  Christ, Sam had time to roll around, climb about, and maybe make himself lunch while Shelob was slowly crawling around.  Poor spider.  It must have been elderly or something.  And those nasty trolls weren't taking proper care of her.

• The Olog-Hai.  The what now?  I think Sean is just testing me here.  This didn't actually appear in the movie, did it?

• The cries of the Nazgul.  You mean the screeches of those dragon-creatures?  I suppose I have to give credit on this one:  It was a pretty smart move to work something like this into the movie to wake the audience up every now and then.

• Minas Morgul & the Winding Stair.  Or as it was known in another, better movie, the Cliffs of Insanity.

• The Orcs.  The LOTR site tells me that "[a]n Orc's only joy is in the pain of others" and their "blood is black in color and they are cannibals."  Now, is this true, or is this just more anti-orc propaganda put together by that fascistic Fellowship?  (It's easy to be sure of the Justness of War when the enemy is so thoroughly dehumanized, but I truly doubt any meaningful parallels can be drawn between events in the pretend Tolkienverse and our real world.)
  

• Faramir's charge.  Was this the part where scenes of soldiers charging were intercut with scenes of a Hobbit doing karaoke while the crazy king said, "Screw utensils!  I'm the frickin' king!"?  And then the king bit into a tomato or something and it spurted all over his mouth and hands, which was, like, all symbolic and stuff, because the soldiers he had sent out to fight were all dying, with their blood and guts spurting all over the king's (metaphorical) mouth and hands?  Yeah, that was really deep.  And subtle.  And I think slo-mo may have been involved, because there just wasn't enough slo-mo used in this movie to signal that really deep and portentous things were occurring.
  

• The absence of "The Scouring of the Shire."  I don't know what it is, but if it shaved time off the movie length, I'm all for its absence as well.

• The cello music at the end.  I'd comment, but Sean didn't clarify which ending he was referring to.  By my count, there were at least five endings.  Eager to stretch my legs (and relieve my bladder) I probably missed the true ending after all the Renaissance Festival portraits were over.

Anything else?  OK, since you asked:

• So sloooooooowzzzzzzzzzz.  I'm pretty sure the first hour and most of the ending were filmed in slow motion.  I'm not sure, though.  I'd ask to see the replay, but I'm scared by the thought of what watching slo-mo recaps of slo-mo scenes might do to the very fabric of space-time.

• The arbitrariness of magic.  "Wow, what a great magic staff you have, Gandalf.  Yeah, it was really cool how it was able to repel those dragon-things when the soldiers were riding toward the castle.  Do you think that you could use your staff to do that again now that the dragon-things have returned and are FUCKING EATING AND GRABBING AND DROPPING ALL OF OUR MEN???"

• The brilliant strategic mind of Gandalf.  Somewhat related to the above point, but why didn't Gandalf use those giant eagles to take the ring and simply drop it in the volcano?  I mean, half the time Gandalf is going on about how he sent Frodo to his doom, so it sounds like even Mr. High-and-Mighty Wizard realizes it wasn't the best plan to send a small creature over millions of miles on foot when he had access to a fucking giant flying eagle.

• The intermittency of pure, relentless evil.  "Oh, don't worry, Mr. Frodo.  The ring's not lost.  I've been holding on to it all this time.  What's that?  Oh yeah, right:  OOOO...THE RING IS SO EVIL...I'M ACTING ALL STONED NOW."

• The cheesiness of emotion.  "I'm sorry, human lady, I can't love you, for I hardly know you.  Plus, I totally love this hot elf chick who I hardly know."

• The Seventies Sitcom and/or Porn ending.  "Hey look, the gang's all here.  Time to laugh without sound!  Now everyone climb into bed with Frodo here.  Or just watch if that's more your thing.  And you know what would really help?  If the whole scene were in slo-mo and too brightly lit.  That'd be awesome."

There was probably more than annoyed me, but if I go on any longer, I run the risk of overstaying my welcome just as ROTK did.  And while it feels good to get all of this off my chest, I really don't want to become the pariah of the comics blogosphere, at least not over an overrated fantasy flick.

Say, how about that Mike San Giacomo guy and his outrageous opinions about the new Catwoman artistic team? What's up with that??? [he asked, not at all trying to change the subject or anything]
  ¶ 9:42 AM | |