Grotesque Anatomy
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
  "If This Be My Destiny!"
Only three days left in the Street Angel Squid Contest.  If you've heard about this great comic and are interested in a chance to win the first two issues, all you have to do is submit a story involving some sort of battle between Jesse and The Giant Squid.  (Sounds like a bizarre children's book, doesn't it?)  Here are two sample entries (non-eligible, by the way, so don't worry about having to compete against them) to inspire you:

Graeme's Kirbyesque Street Angel
Cosmic Sky-Skating Street Angel vs. The Space Squid, by Graeme McMillan
(click for larger image)


Next up is a bit of poetry from Ed Cunard:
STREET ANGEL VS. SQUID: THE FINAL BATTLE

The final battle for supremacy will not be fought with fists and tentacles, but with words. The scene: the Lyricists Lounge. A crowd hype for blood, aching for confrontation. The rules are set – each gets two chances to show the world who’s the greatest. The Giant Squid takes the coin toss, and proceeds to tear into Street Angel with some battle rhymes.

GIANT SQUID

Oh, snap – what the hell is this I see?
Some scrawny street kid tryin’ to step to me?
I took you under the ocean and schooled you in the ring.
Now you’re hittin’ me up, tryin’ to bring
The battle rhymes? I own the ocean,
And I’m gonna own the streets
Check out my tentacles’ motion –
I’mma knock you right off your feets.
You’ll be needing a prosthesis
When I’m done spittin’ my thesis:
Watch your mouth, don't ever step out of line -
The Giant Squid, greatest of all time.

The crowd roars – the Squid owned. Street Angel keeps nodding her head, waits for the DJ to cue up the next beat, and just smiles.

STREET ANGEL

You’re a rhyme-biter, squid – you ain’t keepin’ it real
Scouring the ocean looking for lines to steal.
I wouldn’t put it past a crustacean
To engage in a little plagiarization.
LL Cool J dropped that line in ’97,
Your tentacled ass needs to call nine-eleven
To help you come up with some rhymes of your own,
And you still won’t hit the depths of an old Zen koan.
Stick to what you know, kid, don’t bother dissin’
The one comic character to whom everyone’s listenin’ –
Reviews from Jakala, Cunard, Doane and Hoke,
And each of them know your skills are a joke.

Everyone was feeling STREET ANGEL – she’s got the home court advantage. The squid smiles as best a squid can with its funky squid mouth, because he knows she’s slipped up. From the look on Street Angel’s face, she knows it too…

GIANT SQUID

Street kid, your knowledge is whack.
You best get your homeless ass back
To school, or maybe the library
To learn some knowledge contrary
To your train of thought – I ain’t no crustacean,
I’m a proud member of the United Nation
Of Cephalopods, and you only wish
You could run with my crew of Octopuses and scuttlefish.
But you wouldn’t know that, you’s a dummy,
And those dirty clothes are smellin’ real scummy.
Get back on that board, go fight some ninjas –
You won’t gain knowledge from injections from syringes.

It’s looking close – half the crowd is favoring the Squid at this point, the other backing Street Angel.

STREET ANGEL

Argue definitions all you want, and you’re right -
You’re not a crustacean at the end of the night.
Crab legs are top shelf, and you’re generic –
Red Lobster Calamari ain’t very esoteric.
STREET ANGEL’s gourmet, which is why
To take from the cliché, the end is nigh.
I’d be guaranteed a win even if your style wasn’t weak.
I’ve got the title – you’re just some mutant freak.
I schooled the Incas, I rocked the ninjas of Pangea
And now I took care of you like Imodium does diarrhea.
There could be only one victor – I remain autonomic
‘Cause in the end, bro, it’s my name on the comic.



After that, the crowd realized the point is moot.

"It’s her book, man. She had to win that shit. I mean, crap, look at SPIDER-MAN – everyone that cat knows ends up dying, but he’s still always crackin’ jokes and shit. Status quo and all that."

"It wasn’t totally a foregone conclusion – we’re talking Slave Labor, not Marvel Comics. I mean, yeah, if it was Marvel, they’d try to forget about it. Clone who? Battle what?"

"True. But, damn, I got to give that squid props. I mean, for a sea creature, he rocked."

"Shit, that cat was recycling more lines than Chuck Austen. I was all ready for him to break into a line from Two Gentlemen of Verona and shit."

Street Angel gets down of the stage to throw her own two cents in.

"Kids, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who said what, who you thought was best, and how much that Squid sucks. It’s comics, guys. Arguing back and forth about it isn’t going to do a damn thing – you aren’t changing anything. I rocked the mic. I won. The end. Go home."

And at the end of the day, that was all that mattered.
See how easy--and fun--that is?  Now c'mon, don't you want to take a stab at this?
 
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Iron Fist

by John Jakala

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